These are, arguably, the two most damaging words that have guided my life. For those who are not from a Mormon background, the reference is to what Lucifer says to Adam (Eve's husband) in the Garden of Eden when he is told that he is standing there naked and that Elohim is about to enter the scene. It speaks volumes to those who get to see this as a beginning reference not only to nakedness being referenced as a really bad thing, but also introduces us to the concept of shame.
So, in the past 48 hours, I have been introduced through the media to a person named Robbie Rogers, a professional soccer player, who, at age 25, has just come out. Stemming from Baltimore Raven's Brendon Ayanbadejo's recent call for ANY professional athlete to come out, we have finally arrived to the time in this Latter Day Civil Rights story when the proverbial Berlin Wall is about to give way. But what has been more stunning to me, personally, is the price I myself have paid for living, as Robbie has stated: "For the past 25 year I have been afraid, afraid to show whom I really was because of fear. Fear that judgment and rejection would hold me back from my dreams and aspirations. Fear that my loved ones would be farthest from me if they knew my secret. Fear that my secret would get in the way of my dreams."
Upon further inspection, it has dawned on me, just as THIS morning has broken, that I have paid a much heavier price for living in that very fear than I have realized. It turns out that this realization is furthermore linked to the irony of the calendar - because it is exactly 25 years ago this coming week that I met Mormon missionaries as a graduate student at Harvard's Graduate School of Education, changed my own theological affinities, but much more importantly, erased any and all dreams of continuing to write my own script - called life. Instead, I went with someone else's. Who absolutely convinced me that they knew better.
Here is the collateral damage, then. First, I traded in the privilege of living my life as I saw fit. The problem back in 1988, though, was that I had not yet found any particular direction in which to travel, and had just recently lost any sense of professional ambition. This, at Harvard? Yes. I had come to see, in my studies to become an administrator at a private school somewhere in America, that I was screaming unprepared for such a position. Not intellectually though. I was already busy drawing up rather impressive documents to become the Headmaster of the school I had departed for the year of studies. No, it was all about my personal life. Knowing that I was a gay man, how was I possibly supposed to continue on a path towards Headmastership with my "dirty little secret"? I was dead in the water. I was 31. I would have to find another path. And Mormonism was this new found answer for "Passing Strange" - for the privilege of being seen as normal so that I could "carry on". Life, then, became a series of professional thrusts in which I would find works for which I was deemed capable while, at the same time, avoiding any places in which I might be outed. Because, in education (or so I felt) I would be doomed. Or worse.
Well, even without the quarter century (oh, hell, let's just call it 40 years in the desert) of hiding, I still got to enjoy the privilege of being "doomed" to outer darkness with the disaster at Utah Valley University - being terminated because I didn't fit, because I had taught about LGBT issues in just one class in a Multiculturalism course, because my loyalty to the school of education was challenged as I was charged in having "liberal" friends across campus. And while the pain has receded and I can offer occasional listeners to this story a great set of laughs, the memory does not fade. Because while part of the real reason I was terminated (hinted to my face by the Chair herself) was the fact that I came from a Jewish family, the other reason I was terminated was the fact (stated to my face by the Dean himself) was that "donors had become very uneasy that there was someone in the School of Education who was teaching alternative lifestyles. [And to think they insisted on using that textbook.] Yes, the price of being gay, even gay friendly in pre-Obama America. Or just in Utah in general.
Second, the price I wound up paying for hiding was in spending an inordinate amount of time making sure that the hiding tactic was, in fact, working. And so, much of my intellectual calorie expenditure was NOT to learn more about my chosen profession. Rather it was to make sure the smoke and mirrors were ALWAYS in place. This, I believe, is the great waste. For if much talent was lost to this country by African-Americans who were denied equal opportunity under the law, then so it is with so much talent lost to this country by many (but luckily, not all) LGBT Americans who have done the "dirty work" ourselves - by cutting ourselves out of "the race to the top". THIS, indeed, is why the stories are so inextricably connected, no matter how much certain African Americans call us "carpetbaggers" lest our inclusion into this larger story denigrate or perhaps confuse their own tragic history. (I actually understand their fears, as Jewish people want to MAKE SURE that the term Holocaust is used only for their tragic history connected to Nazi Germany and none other.) Still a noose around anyone's neck is horrific, not matter who turned out to play the role of the executioner - the angry mob on others or the distraught and despondent young man on himself.
Third and final, I think that the price I wound up paying for hiding was that I never really trusted mentors. And so, I rarely had professional mentoring from men in all my years. (I would become one myself with almost every opportunity.) Why was this so? Because I couldn't trust men. Which is VERY connected to being gay. (a story which is probably for another post, so as to explain all this to straight readers). Which meant professional advancement was almost impossible. And so, I wound up "side-stepping" every time it became time to find new work. There was never any seniors "up the ladder" who could go to bat for me. Because no one really ever knew me well. Because I didn't let them. Because I had to keep my "dirty little secret" out of sight, out of mind. And so, here I am.
What to do about all this? Recently, I have put an end to the greatest source of this shaming by simply walking away from the Mormon church. When they get their acts together, I've let them know they are welcome to give me a call. But that I will no longer tolerate Latter Day Racism which they are very very good at practicing. And, if Robbie the soccer player can come out and risk his entire career, so can I. I've been "out" to some degree to selected friends, and recently to selected communities out here on-line. But, what about at work? in my community? in simply my daily goings-on? No, the fear still hangs. Until this coming week. When Ben and I will simply complete an interview on Mormon Stories that should, if all goes well, add to the growing number of voices in this critical year called 2013 - when, if I were a betting man, I truly believe we might approach the Gladwellian "tipping point". And the dam will break. And, just as most people standing in 1975 could hardly believe how much they had put up with back in 1957, I think will find the same story about us. . .
Thanks to those who have gotten to here, in wanting to know more about what I think, what I feel, what I do and especially in what trajectory I am setting - as I become wonderfully engaged in the cause of learning how to write my own story - without ANYONE else's script. Some learned this at 16. As I said, I simply spent an additional 40 years in the desert, before I was ready to pick up my own pen. And WRITE. ///
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
American and Delta
What happens when we get the opportunity to see a perfect invitation into our future - and we know that it's exactly right - but we have no idea how we will get there? In other words, what am I supposed to make of these once-in-a-while openings in which I gain a sneak peak into what might be coming - but I cannot fathom how it will come to pass?
So is my world this month as I prepare for Spring - no, springing - into the next chapter of my life. It is such a remarkable privilege to be given the blessings of family and friends. I just booked a free trip to Finland for next month, so that I can be good to my word that I would visit my friend Ville Parkka (missionary in New York city 2008-2010) when he had his first born child. At least, that is what I told him at his wedding exactly two years ago. And sure enough, just when I thought it was a bother to go to New York for meetings at work, I find that I have exactly 6 days free in the middle of these scheduled meetings so that I can dash across the pond and fulfill my promise to him. And so, for the love of mileage that credit cards are often wanting to throw at you for just signing up, I wind up being able to take this trip to Helsinki for just that. Ah, the things that make me happy!
But, wait, it gets better. Because I also made a promise to Ville's brother-in-law, Sami, now a strapping 18 year old who, after he and three of his friends visited New York City just 10 weeks after I met them at Ville's wedding, I see that I have just enough mileage to visit Finland one more time when Sami gets married. After all, a promise is a promise. So much for American Airlines mileage.
So, what about Delta mileage? Well, that gets even better. Because airlines promise you the world, I take their word very seriously. Because I think that's what we get, really. I mean some religions promise one hell of an after life. And I suspect that if we focus on their word, and the word is good, then that is pretty much what we line ourselves up to get - some type of consciousness when the body is done with carrying us in this world. And tickets to a spectator sport will get us just that as well - a good time. Perhaps something that stands out compared to the hum drum of the rest of our week (or month).
Anyway, Delta mileage is much more serious for me - not just because I started the year with about five times the mileage than on American, but because I had come to believe that I had something serious saved up - and I wasn't exactly sure how it was all going to be used - just that I was going to have the privilege of spending these hundreds of thousands of miles in the near future. A hunch? Yes, my intuition is usually quite good, thank you.
So, Ben and I enjoyed an amazing first trip to Maui with a really low amount of miles this past month. Only to realize that we were going back there next month. Because, well, I just HAVE to learn how to snorkel let alone scuba dive. It's just that simple. Nothing really more than I absolutely have to accomplish or enjoy - I mean, we just about scoured the island for all the things that was enjoyable to us this last time. So, what gives with this second trip, courtesy of Delta's Skymiles?
Well, there is this house. We saw it the last day of our trip. Perhaps we were fooling ourselves. Gee, I thought, wouldn't it be great to own a home (or a share of a home) in which I could return time and time again for the rest of my life - and then even pass it on to the next generation? Well, that feeling inside of me - to leave a legacy not just to students of all stripes and ages, but to the friends and to the children that I have and will have - that feeling remained quite strong the entire day. And then, upon seeing THIS HOUSE, it hit me really hard that Ben and I were seriously connected to the energy that was reaching out to us, standing on the veranda that mid January day.
Only problem? How the heck to find $1 million. Yeah, nothing serious. Just a slight foray into reality. But, if the two airlines that have carried me across the decades have one thing to tell me its that I AM all about American change - the dream that is so embedded in what it is to be a citizen (or even an undocumented resident) of this land. You see, America is not just about jobs. Or freedom. It is really the place - whether from a distance or from the bowels of its great cities and land - cry out to us "keep dreaming!". And so I do.
So, coming up to Valentines Day 2013, it's not that I have A dream. It's that I have THIS dream. That one day, because of the unfolding of my life, I get not only to have THIS dream, but also to believe that I might very well step into this dream and walk into the next chapter of my life. Except that I get to figure out more of the pieces of the puzzle - not just in acquiring this house for all who are to benefit from it, but also in allowing THIS house (Martin Lawrence Kokol) to become all that he is meant to know, to feel and to do. So that "it shall come to pass".
I think the riddle is in staying true to ones dreams. I sense the test is in staying awake to one's visions. I find that the mystery is in staying firm in one's convictions. All these must come together so that the Universe can act for and and behalf of one's truth and one's beauty. And all those lies that we are just "dust in the wind" - well, I guess I'm truly becoming a Westerner where the possibility of something just a little bigger emerges, where the belief that we are connected to this Cosmos with power that shatters any illusion that we are just a dot for a brief moment.
In the end, it's been a long journey to come to think and feel and believe, rather than accomplish and accumulate and accept. To dare to see myself as the author of my life, rather than victim of others'. Never thought there was more to my story than just "gay jew becomes straight mormon, winds up a queer saint". Well, there is a lot more this February. Stay tuned for further developments. And pictures.
So is my world this month as I prepare for Spring - no, springing - into the next chapter of my life. It is such a remarkable privilege to be given the blessings of family and friends. I just booked a free trip to Finland for next month, so that I can be good to my word that I would visit my friend Ville Parkka (missionary in New York city 2008-2010) when he had his first born child. At least, that is what I told him at his wedding exactly two years ago. And sure enough, just when I thought it was a bother to go to New York for meetings at work, I find that I have exactly 6 days free in the middle of these scheduled meetings so that I can dash across the pond and fulfill my promise to him. And so, for the love of mileage that credit cards are often wanting to throw at you for just signing up, I wind up being able to take this trip to Helsinki for just that. Ah, the things that make me happy!
But, wait, it gets better. Because I also made a promise to Ville's brother-in-law, Sami, now a strapping 18 year old who, after he and three of his friends visited New York City just 10 weeks after I met them at Ville's wedding, I see that I have just enough mileage to visit Finland one more time when Sami gets married. After all, a promise is a promise. So much for American Airlines mileage.
So, what about Delta mileage? Well, that gets even better. Because airlines promise you the world, I take their word very seriously. Because I think that's what we get, really. I mean some religions promise one hell of an after life. And I suspect that if we focus on their word, and the word is good, then that is pretty much what we line ourselves up to get - some type of consciousness when the body is done with carrying us in this world. And tickets to a spectator sport will get us just that as well - a good time. Perhaps something that stands out compared to the hum drum of the rest of our week (or month).
Anyway, Delta mileage is much more serious for me - not just because I started the year with about five times the mileage than on American, but because I had come to believe that I had something serious saved up - and I wasn't exactly sure how it was all going to be used - just that I was going to have the privilege of spending these hundreds of thousands of miles in the near future. A hunch? Yes, my intuition is usually quite good, thank you.
So, Ben and I enjoyed an amazing first trip to Maui with a really low amount of miles this past month. Only to realize that we were going back there next month. Because, well, I just HAVE to learn how to snorkel let alone scuba dive. It's just that simple. Nothing really more than I absolutely have to accomplish or enjoy - I mean, we just about scoured the island for all the things that was enjoyable to us this last time. So, what gives with this second trip, courtesy of Delta's Skymiles?
Well, there is this house. We saw it the last day of our trip. Perhaps we were fooling ourselves. Gee, I thought, wouldn't it be great to own a home (or a share of a home) in which I could return time and time again for the rest of my life - and then even pass it on to the next generation? Well, that feeling inside of me - to leave a legacy not just to students of all stripes and ages, but to the friends and to the children that I have and will have - that feeling remained quite strong the entire day. And then, upon seeing THIS HOUSE, it hit me really hard that Ben and I were seriously connected to the energy that was reaching out to us, standing on the veranda that mid January day.
Only problem? How the heck to find $1 million. Yeah, nothing serious. Just a slight foray into reality. But, if the two airlines that have carried me across the decades have one thing to tell me its that I AM all about American change - the dream that is so embedded in what it is to be a citizen (or even an undocumented resident) of this land. You see, America is not just about jobs. Or freedom. It is really the place - whether from a distance or from the bowels of its great cities and land - cry out to us "keep dreaming!". And so I do.
So, coming up to Valentines Day 2013, it's not that I have A dream. It's that I have THIS dream. That one day, because of the unfolding of my life, I get not only to have THIS dream, but also to believe that I might very well step into this dream and walk into the next chapter of my life. Except that I get to figure out more of the pieces of the puzzle - not just in acquiring this house for all who are to benefit from it, but also in allowing THIS house (Martin Lawrence Kokol) to become all that he is meant to know, to feel and to do. So that "it shall come to pass".
I think the riddle is in staying true to ones dreams. I sense the test is in staying awake to one's visions. I find that the mystery is in staying firm in one's convictions. All these must come together so that the Universe can act for and and behalf of one's truth and one's beauty. And all those lies that we are just "dust in the wind" - well, I guess I'm truly becoming a Westerner where the possibility of something just a little bigger emerges, where the belief that we are connected to this Cosmos with power that shatters any illusion that we are just a dot for a brief moment.
In the end, it's been a long journey to come to think and feel and believe, rather than accomplish and accumulate and accept. To dare to see myself as the author of my life, rather than victim of others'. Never thought there was more to my story than just "gay jew becomes straight mormon, winds up a queer saint". Well, there is a lot more this February. Stay tuned for further developments. And pictures.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
How the yearly odometer rollover helps
Finally coming up on the conclusion of our first 12 days of Christmas. The tree will come down in a few hours. The season of Yule seems to be coming to an end as well. It is time to press forward into 2013, as I now feel the fact that 2011 is now two calendar years behind me, 2009 now four years back.
What was 2011? Going to Finland for a dear friend's wedding, deciding to teach on-line, meeting Ben, getting married so as to truly tie the knot, moving to Jackson in about three steps, and declaring this place to be my new home. Nothing major. Just the usual, "every seven years in Marty's life, he goes for it" kind of year.
What was 2009? Watching the stock market crash with my dad as he lay dying in the hospital, feeling the crushing burden of teaching and supervising graduate students teaching in NYC, burying my dad, being the only one in my family with a belief in the after life, coming to realize that in order to press forward into my own future, I had come to NYC to learn of my ancestors. Which I did.
What now of 2013? Ben and I leave for Hawaii in a couple of days. After several days of -20F mornings, after more than several days of being cold even through my great ski jacket and my great sweaters, I am ready! Ari is about to receive her mission call any day, a letter that will not only change her life, but I would think her mother's and mine as well. Because when she comes home, she will most certainly be a young woman.
In a few weeks, I will know whether my own contribution to an upstart company in the area of communications media will bear fruit and invite me to step up my efforts by spending considerable time in Salt Lake City these next six months. I would like that very much as I know both Ben and I could withstand commutes (4 1/2 hour drive) regularly to fill in the gaps. Besides, it is time to offer a presence (rather than just presents) to my younger two daughters.
In a few months, I will come to know what my longer term work life will be - whether here teaching at either the public school or at a private school; whether more work in Salt Lake City; or whether somewhere farther away that I don't yet recognize. By the end of summer, Ben and I will know (depending upon my own successes AND his own success with his new company) as to whether we might begin planning for 2014, after all of our dreams we have privately shared.
The blessings of my life continue to astound me. The challenges I have set up for myself in this life continue to amaze me. The pains and pleasures of life in this thing called a body continue to intrigue me. And what I do know is that I will write at much greater length when I return here from Maui.
In the meantime, I sense that it is coming time to believe that the American political system is about to enter a fundamental tectonic shift, that will shift the past 20 years of Gingrich style "take no prisoners until you win attitude" of our Legislative branch to a Nolan (MN) style "find compromise because that it what we are here to do attitude" of what our President has been modeling his whole life.
Here's to 2013 with all of our dreams, and yet another opportunity to build plans.
What was 2011? Going to Finland for a dear friend's wedding, deciding to teach on-line, meeting Ben, getting married so as to truly tie the knot, moving to Jackson in about three steps, and declaring this place to be my new home. Nothing major. Just the usual, "every seven years in Marty's life, he goes for it" kind of year.
What was 2009? Watching the stock market crash with my dad as he lay dying in the hospital, feeling the crushing burden of teaching and supervising graduate students teaching in NYC, burying my dad, being the only one in my family with a belief in the after life, coming to realize that in order to press forward into my own future, I had come to NYC to learn of my ancestors. Which I did.
What now of 2013? Ben and I leave for Hawaii in a couple of days. After several days of -20F mornings, after more than several days of being cold even through my great ski jacket and my great sweaters, I am ready! Ari is about to receive her mission call any day, a letter that will not only change her life, but I would think her mother's and mine as well. Because when she comes home, she will most certainly be a young woman.
In a few weeks, I will know whether my own contribution to an upstart company in the area of communications media will bear fruit and invite me to step up my efforts by spending considerable time in Salt Lake City these next six months. I would like that very much as I know both Ben and I could withstand commutes (4 1/2 hour drive) regularly to fill in the gaps. Besides, it is time to offer a presence (rather than just presents) to my younger two daughters.
In a few months, I will come to know what my longer term work life will be - whether here teaching at either the public school or at a private school; whether more work in Salt Lake City; or whether somewhere farther away that I don't yet recognize. By the end of summer, Ben and I will know (depending upon my own successes AND his own success with his new company) as to whether we might begin planning for 2014, after all of our dreams we have privately shared.
The blessings of my life continue to astound me. The challenges I have set up for myself in this life continue to amaze me. The pains and pleasures of life in this thing called a body continue to intrigue me. And what I do know is that I will write at much greater length when I return here from Maui.
In the meantime, I sense that it is coming time to believe that the American political system is about to enter a fundamental tectonic shift, that will shift the past 20 years of Gingrich style "take no prisoners until you win attitude" of our Legislative branch to a Nolan (MN) style "find compromise because that it what we are here to do attitude" of what our President has been modeling his whole life.
Here's to 2013 with all of our dreams, and yet another opportunity to build plans.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
From Jackson to Wilson
It's time to move again. Fortunately, the packing is going really well and Ben and I are right on target for exiting today by 5. Our long-term renters are coming between 6 and 7. This will work just fine. Just like the packing time out of NYC 16 months ago, it took three days to do it all, although I think we'll take about six days to get settled in. Ben's mom is 85 and it is obvious to us that she wants us in her home, on the first floor (which Ben has created an amazing space with milk paints, stained wooden floors and a keen eye for making an extraordinary living space). We will be there for about 125 days before returning to our townhouse seven miles away - unless our lives take yet another interesting turn!
What amazes me the most is that it may be coming time to really settle. I mean, I still like to travel as much as possible, especially if I get to learn something new like geography, language, culture or just getting myself out of any possible comfort zone - there's simply too much growth to pass on. Jackson/Wilson, Wyoming may be the best combination in which to live that I could possibly hope for at this stage of my mortal run.
Speaking of mortal runs, I am starting to realize that ALL of us have only so much time on the big stage called life. What takes place in the time we have is simply that - time that seems to accelerate the older I get. Perhaps it is that 1 year for a 10 year old is 10% of his life, while for me it is less than 2% now. But I'm not quite sure why the effect is feeling that time is "flying" by. All I know is that I am a VERY lucky man, with all the fantastic experiences that I have found. Professionally to be sure. Personally without a doubt. And now, rather than a crisis of faith, I simply turn to the certain belief that "man is that he might have joy". Not happiness. Not contentment. Not even happiness. No, it says it really clearly - that I might have joy. And what I have found is that it behooves me to find a faith community that allows me to be who I am. No more fitting into a mold. No more having to try so damn hard.
So, after a beautiful 24 year monogamous commitment to the LDS church, I have returned to my Christian roots - as a Protestant, and as a Presbyterian. I have decided to take this on for 9 months - kind of like going full-term with this "baby". Then, I will see where I am. Because, frankly, I've had enough of waiting for uptight, heterosexual, clueless, capitalist men to figure me out. And I guess, I've come to the conclusion that when they do figure things out, that they call me. And then, we'll talk. But, it has become incredibly clear that without formal training, without even an awareness that Truth is SO much bigger than obeying fallible men and their policies, even their beliefs - that I simply have started writing my own script. And not accept anyone else's.
And so, here I am at the end of 2012, in Wyoming, teaching on-line but with hopes that I am going to land something very interesting in 2013 that will change my life in a substantial way. Lots of irons in the fire now, and I'll most definitely know by Springtime - higher ed, secondary ed, communications media. Any of these will be just fine! And yes, living in zero degree weather is really quite invigorating! And loving snowpack that is simply impressive is really quite theraputic - I highly recommend it! And I'll get back to my blog when I'm on the other side - of the Snake River!
It is a privilege to live - every single day, we should count our blessings, that Heavenly Father and Mother (Abba and Ema) have chosen to give us another one. And then, another one. And that I have been given the greatest children that I could have imagined. Thanks to their mother for raising them on a daily basis these last 8 years. As the oldest prepares for an LDS mission; as the middle aspires to attend a great college back east; and as the youngest continues her winning ways as a scholar and an athlete. I stand all amazed. . .
What amazes me the most is that it may be coming time to really settle. I mean, I still like to travel as much as possible, especially if I get to learn something new like geography, language, culture or just getting myself out of any possible comfort zone - there's simply too much growth to pass on. Jackson/Wilson, Wyoming may be the best combination in which to live that I could possibly hope for at this stage of my mortal run.
Speaking of mortal runs, I am starting to realize that ALL of us have only so much time on the big stage called life. What takes place in the time we have is simply that - time that seems to accelerate the older I get. Perhaps it is that 1 year for a 10 year old is 10% of his life, while for me it is less than 2% now. But I'm not quite sure why the effect is feeling that time is "flying" by. All I know is that I am a VERY lucky man, with all the fantastic experiences that I have found. Professionally to be sure. Personally without a doubt. And now, rather than a crisis of faith, I simply turn to the certain belief that "man is that he might have joy". Not happiness. Not contentment. Not even happiness. No, it says it really clearly - that I might have joy. And what I have found is that it behooves me to find a faith community that allows me to be who I am. No more fitting into a mold. No more having to try so damn hard.
So, after a beautiful 24 year monogamous commitment to the LDS church, I have returned to my Christian roots - as a Protestant, and as a Presbyterian. I have decided to take this on for 9 months - kind of like going full-term with this "baby". Then, I will see where I am. Because, frankly, I've had enough of waiting for uptight, heterosexual, clueless, capitalist men to figure me out. And I guess, I've come to the conclusion that when they do figure things out, that they call me. And then, we'll talk. But, it has become incredibly clear that without formal training, without even an awareness that Truth is SO much bigger than obeying fallible men and their policies, even their beliefs - that I simply have started writing my own script. And not accept anyone else's.
And so, here I am at the end of 2012, in Wyoming, teaching on-line but with hopes that I am going to land something very interesting in 2013 that will change my life in a substantial way. Lots of irons in the fire now, and I'll most definitely know by Springtime - higher ed, secondary ed, communications media. Any of these will be just fine! And yes, living in zero degree weather is really quite invigorating! And loving snowpack that is simply impressive is really quite theraputic - I highly recommend it! And I'll get back to my blog when I'm on the other side - of the Snake River!
It is a privilege to live - every single day, we should count our blessings, that Heavenly Father and Mother (Abba and Ema) have chosen to give us another one. And then, another one. And that I have been given the greatest children that I could have imagined. Thanks to their mother for raising them on a daily basis these last 8 years. As the oldest prepares for an LDS mission; as the middle aspires to attend a great college back east; and as the youngest continues her winning ways as a scholar and an athlete. I stand all amazed. . .
Saturday, December 15, 2012
An extraordinary week
Sometimes, once in a blue moon, life offers me a powerful upgrade to my normal speed. It tends to be something like driving 85MPH, rather than 55. Or maybe like having blazing fast internet speed or a successful run on the craps tables.
Well, actually, nothing went wrong this week. I taught AP English/Drama this past Monday, then got in my new car and drove 5+ hours to Salt Lake City to get ready for a big meeting with a Managing Director of a well-established radio station. Exactly one hour later, my business partner and I knew that we were "on the way". For the first time in my life, I found complete success in making "the pitch" in anything outside of education, and hitting a home run. But, that was just the beginning.
Buying the perfect gifts for family, self and friends, having the perfect meals at perfect restaurants for the occasion - this was just the beginning. Finding the perfect office space for this new start-up venture, finding the perfect house to rent (as long as I find 3 others to share the 4 bedroom!), and then, finishing off the three days seeing Sessions at the Broadway theatre downtown SLC, and then right into a super clear "vision" of what my life was about (usually, these are reserved for places like the Sacred Grove upstate NY, not on the streets of Salt Lake). Yes, even the drive back was filled with stunningly clear conversations on the blue-tooth. I guess I should ask if anyone else has these?!
It has come time for me to understand that I am going from live to on-line to on-the-air. That is how my teaching will expand. This is how I will stay interesting for the years to come. This is what the joy of life seems to be about. And then to share it with everyone I would meet, from perfect strangers in the Lion House (Brigham Young's home) to strangers in a Rexburg (ID) organic foods store.
Building a bilingual radio station is going to be a blast. Building a more perfect life with more challenges, more successes seems to be the best thing I could have been given. It will impact Ben's life, my children's life, and most of all, my own life. What I have learned more than anything from this week is that when things start lining up really really well, just go with the flow, even if it is a raging river. Fly like the wind, even if it won't last so long. And take on the descent, the end of the ride because one must learn to exit these "upgrades to life" just as well as the journey on them.
Even though many would think I have much to say about the Connecticut tragedy, I have saved my thoughts for the NYTimes and SLTrib comments section. I simply wrote this:
I fear that we all may be quick to jump at gun control (better: responsibility?) for a simple answer to a profound tragedy. May I suggest that we wait for further word on whether or not the young man who did this horrific act was on some type of anti-depressant, perhaps an anti-anxiety medication. Why? Because some of us have become very skeptical, to say the least, about Big Pharma's contribution to the supposed benefits of life in the post-modern age.
Certainly, we are all aware these last two decades of the lengthy warnings on TV ads regarding so many new medications. What we simply do NOT know are possible side effects that did not become apparent during the required time of drug testing or that did not become sufficient in number during the same period of time to warrant any stoppage on the path towards full approval by the powers that be.
It has come time for our society to have not only a full discussion regarding gun responsibility but also a much greater scrutiny of our dearly beloved drug companies as well. Then, we might come to arrive at a greater truth.
And with that, I'll leave my readers with the simple quote I saw tonight on the wall of a senior citizen's home here in Jackson tonight. "LIFE is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving with a pretty and well-preserved body. But rather to SKID in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: WOW!. . . WHAT A RIDE!".
Well, actually, nothing went wrong this week. I taught AP English/Drama this past Monday, then got in my new car and drove 5+ hours to Salt Lake City to get ready for a big meeting with a Managing Director of a well-established radio station. Exactly one hour later, my business partner and I knew that we were "on the way". For the first time in my life, I found complete success in making "the pitch" in anything outside of education, and hitting a home run. But, that was just the beginning.
Buying the perfect gifts for family, self and friends, having the perfect meals at perfect restaurants for the occasion - this was just the beginning. Finding the perfect office space for this new start-up venture, finding the perfect house to rent (as long as I find 3 others to share the 4 bedroom!), and then, finishing off the three days seeing Sessions at the Broadway theatre downtown SLC, and then right into a super clear "vision" of what my life was about (usually, these are reserved for places like the Sacred Grove upstate NY, not on the streets of Salt Lake). Yes, even the drive back was filled with stunningly clear conversations on the blue-tooth. I guess I should ask if anyone else has these?!
It has come time for me to understand that I am going from live to on-line to on-the-air. That is how my teaching will expand. This is how I will stay interesting for the years to come. This is what the joy of life seems to be about. And then to share it with everyone I would meet, from perfect strangers in the Lion House (Brigham Young's home) to strangers in a Rexburg (ID) organic foods store.
Building a bilingual radio station is going to be a blast. Building a more perfect life with more challenges, more successes seems to be the best thing I could have been given. It will impact Ben's life, my children's life, and most of all, my own life. What I have learned more than anything from this week is that when things start lining up really really well, just go with the flow, even if it is a raging river. Fly like the wind, even if it won't last so long. And take on the descent, the end of the ride because one must learn to exit these "upgrades to life" just as well as the journey on them.
Even though many would think I have much to say about the Connecticut tragedy, I have saved my thoughts for the NYTimes and SLTrib comments section. I simply wrote this:
I fear that we all may be quick to jump at gun control (better: responsibility?) for a simple answer to a profound tragedy. May I suggest that we wait for further word on whether or not the young man who did this horrific act was on some type of anti-depressant, perhaps an anti-anxiety medication. Why? Because some of us have become very skeptical, to say the least, about Big Pharma's contribution to the supposed benefits of life in the post-modern age.
Certainly, we are all aware these last two decades of the lengthy warnings on TV ads regarding so many new medications. What we simply do NOT know are possible side effects that did not become apparent during the required time of drug testing or that did not become sufficient in number during the same period of time to warrant any stoppage on the path towards full approval by the powers that be.
It has come time for our society to have not only a full discussion regarding gun responsibility but also a much greater scrutiny of our dearly beloved drug companies as well. Then, we might come to arrive at a greater truth.
And with that, I'll leave my readers with the simple quote I saw tonight on the wall of a senior citizen's home here in Jackson tonight. "LIFE is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving with a pretty and well-preserved body. But rather to SKID in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: WOW!. . . WHAT A RIDE!".
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Two movies; one move; no regrets
That's right - two of my favorite movies of my adulthood were seen last weekend. And I'm still so excited about both of them that I need to get this written down. Lincoln is the American story par excellence for the next few school years - it is, after all, the 150th anniversary of so many events from the Civil War - Gettysburg next July, the Gettysburg address next November for starters. The National Park Service has already begun a hugely ramped up program out at the battlefield in Pennsylvania that will continue through all of next year. Anyone who has the opportunity should go. But, in the meantime, we have the stories through the great storytellers of the screen - Steven Spielberg for one. And anything that Ang Lee has a hand in (remember his extraordinary work in Brokeback Mountain?).
Anyway, while I don't wish to start writing movie reviews (yet!), I stand with conviction that that movie will go down as one of the great DVD's to show in high school US history class for years to come. So many performances. So many important scenes. So much description and unpacking of the central character - whom our current President has spent years reading up on. I also stand with conviction that The Life of Pi will become of the great movies of the early 20th century for one reason: it is a global movie. Not made in the American genres, not starring American actors, yet totally comprehensible for all of us - knowing full well that the gross box-office take will probably be multiples in OTHER countries. We will ALL be able to talk about this movie - both Americans, Asians, Africans, Europeans. And that is what makes it so important in the history of cinema. And in the burgeoning development of what I am calling again and again "the global citizen".
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The move coming up is from Jackson to Wilson. About seven miles due west. From my three bedroom, two bath townhouse to a two bedroom one bath part of my mother-in-law's house. It will be first and foremost done (within a couple of weeks) to support Ben to take care of his 85 year old mother. It is being done also to give both of us a huge break on our finances. By going rent free for five months, I was able to dedicate all that money into a car which I have just purchased. Ah, to have wheels again, after six years on the MTA or START bus! Yes, driving is a privilege.
Now, I will be able to increase my mobility exponentially, for the purpose of commutes to the schools here when called upon, for the pleasure of heading down to Salt Lake (300 miles) when needed by projects or my kids, for the privilege of taking the proverbial "road trips" that have provided me much joy throughout my life. Whether to see a neighboring state, or to watch the country unfold (kind of like seeing two centuries of US history in 3-5 days - I highly recommend it!) as I drive I-90, I-80 or even more enjoyably US 30 for a couple thousand miles. Whatever the reason, I now have four wheels. And it is good.
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No regrets. I think that might be the key to a healthy lifestyle above all. But, the responsibility attached to this freedom is to ask for forgiveness to all whom one has offended, whether emotionally, financially or even intellectually. It is the spiritual requirement to take on such a regimen. Someone told me years ago, after I was mauled to near death at Utah Valley University (all that illegal stuffing of my tenure file, all those insane threats from bosses in secret meetings) that I simply forgive and forget.
Well, I will tell you, the BEST thing I have done in order to grow up was to forgive and NOT forget. Because the key to gaining knowledge, understanding and now some wisdom has been to not forget. To learn. To become a man. To be able to offer assistance to others when they themselves are blindsided, in ways similar to what I endured. After all, I don't want two near-death experiences (with my body crashing on Nov 22, 2004 and my mind snapping on March 22, 2005) to be for naught. That would make a mockery of my well-intentioned life. And would cause my well-summoned life to stand without lessons learned, for myself and for others. Which is why I teach. Because that is who I AM. What do you think about any of this? Let me know. ///
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Leaning Forward
INTRODUCTION:
Sorry it's been over two weeks since the last post. I got into quite a rush of good stuff with work. And with my economic life.
First, I've been hired to consult for the Teton County School District. First 1.5 day project: How to upgrade our teaching of U.S. history. What a way for me to start! (and I have so many more ideas)
Second, I want to report that I am the proud new owner of a 2013 Subaru Outback. With a great price from the dealer and a killer interest rate from the manufacturer and a year's worth of savings dedicated to just this, I now have a vehicle (first new one in 10 years) that gets pretty good gas mileage considering it's All Wheel drive. And something I wanted for the Wyoming winters. And for hauling things around.
Third, I want to let you know that it's come time to go for a new IMac (desktop) as this one is now over 6 years old. So, tomorrow at about 5AM, I will try to beat the crowd out of the Eastern time zone and zero in on one along with the last day of zero percent financing.
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MAIN POST:
OK, so what to make of the news? Simple: the GOP is now a threat to U.S. national interest as they are absolutely out of control with their politics, their shenanigans and their almost total refusal to come to the table and get things done. Harry Reid may just be right. Hilary Clinton should be given some kind of medal before she gets really ill and has to retire. My sense is that she's been working 18-20 hours a day for way too long. And Jon Huntsman's got my vote for President 2016 (unless he picks a bozo for a VP candidate). Everything I read by him seems to me exactly where I am.
What to make of Michael Ferguson's heroic set of interviews with CNN, NYTimes, NPR, Salon and others? Well, it's sure helping my family understand things better. NYT on November 28, 2012 page A16, I believe. Thank goodness that we can FINALLY stop the madness of the religious fanatics who INSIST that orientation is a choice. And as for celibacy until a greater reward in heaven (like celestial marriage and kids?), well, didn't the Catholic church try that and wound up with their hands full of lawsuits for about the last 30 years? Seriously. It's not good for man to be alone. Women might be able to do it, as they might have the ability to enjoy deep and abiding friendships with other women. But, men? Yeah, right.
And finally, what might I say about what I think is on the horizon? We need to get through December 21, 2012 just as we needed to get past December 31, 1999. Then, we need to make SOME movement towards slowing down the deficit. Then, we need to prepare for interesting developments in the Middle East, just as soon as the rainy season is over (March 20 anyone?). Then, we need to get ready for yet another meteorological or geological phenomenon that will test our patience yet again. And then, we need to prepare for what I think will be a significant economic boom that might be coming soon. More on that in the next post.
All I know for sure is that Ben and I seem to be more and more of a team. And that our dreams for what it is we seek in this partnership are aligning better. And that, the things we want to work for appear to be more and more realistic. And that, in the beginning, there was simply a lot of old-fashioned work to be done to build a momentum, to build a foundation for me to be here in WY. The days are so short now - the things to accomplish seem more in number with each passing day. I think this is a very good sign. Because I am truly enjoying the ride. Knowing that I don't teach what I know - I teach who I am. Feeling that I don't try to forge community as much as I now try to offer people a better way towards their own fulfillment with my insights, my perspectives and my deep care for the well-being of students, colleagues and the larger community.
Finding Voice. Gaining Vision. Sara Lightfoot was right 25 winters ago. This is the primary work for anyone desiring to be heard as well as to see more clearly, to love more dearly and to follow more nearly. Day by day. The question is WHO? And when? And what price absolute loyalty.
And then, one final thought: I am utterly convinced that one of the larger findings I have stumbled across these last few weeks has been that people are generally trying to figure out how to live best in the space between earth and heaven. For those who desire to fly closer to the sky, it is very much about the sweetness of spirituality in search of divinity. For those who desire to walk closer to the earth, it seems much more about the richness of mortality in search of the sciences and the humanities. Figuring out exactly where to find the greatest happiness seems to me to be the best explanation of where any person winds up traversing. And on and on we go trying to convince others that OURS is the best cruising altitude. Icarus? The snake? Or a thousand slots in between?
And then, of course, after a healthy determination of one's present course, the next question: WHY? How does such an altitude serve ourselves at this time? And what if we seek to change it up? For years, I sought the higher altitude. Now? Much lower. Does that mean I'm about to crash? to land? to go out of my mind? Or simply to enjoy the journey, no matter the altitude. I guess I have been leaning forward. On the stick. And my plane has gently and successfully found a new altitude. I am much closer to earth now. And she looks grand. And I am not afraid of my new readings. More later. . .
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