These are, arguably, the two most damaging words that have guided my life. For those who are not from a Mormon background, the reference is to what Lucifer says to Adam (Eve's husband) in the Garden of Eden when he is told that he is standing there naked and that Elohim is about to enter the scene. It speaks volumes to those who get to see this as a beginning reference not only to nakedness being referenced as a really bad thing, but also introduces us to the concept of shame.
So, in the past 48 hours, I have been introduced through the media to a person named Robbie Rogers, a professional soccer player, who, at age 25, has just come out. Stemming from Baltimore Raven's Brendon Ayanbadejo's recent call for ANY professional athlete to come out, we have finally arrived to the time in this Latter Day Civil Rights story when the proverbial Berlin Wall is about to give way. But what has been more stunning to me, personally, is the price I myself have paid for living, as Robbie has stated: "For the past 25 year I have been afraid, afraid to show whom I really was because of fear. Fear that judgment and rejection would hold me back from my dreams and aspirations. Fear that my loved ones would be farthest from me if they knew my secret. Fear that my secret would get in the way of my dreams."
Upon further inspection, it has dawned on me, just as THIS morning has broken, that I have paid a much heavier price for living in that very fear than I have realized. It turns out that this realization is furthermore linked to the irony of the calendar - because it is exactly 25 years ago this coming week that I met Mormon missionaries as a graduate student at Harvard's Graduate School of Education, changed my own theological affinities, but much more importantly, erased any and all dreams of continuing to write my own script - called life. Instead, I went with someone else's. Who absolutely convinced me that they knew better.
Here is the collateral damage, then. First, I traded in the privilege of living my life as I saw fit. The problem back in 1988, though, was that I had not yet found any particular direction in which to travel, and had just recently lost any sense of professional ambition. This, at Harvard? Yes. I had come to see, in my studies to become an administrator at a private school somewhere in America, that I was screaming unprepared for such a position. Not intellectually though. I was already busy drawing up rather impressive documents to become the Headmaster of the school I had departed for the year of studies. No, it was all about my personal life. Knowing that I was a gay man, how was I possibly supposed to continue on a path towards Headmastership with my "dirty little secret"? I was dead in the water. I was 31. I would have to find another path. And Mormonism was this new found answer for "Passing Strange" - for the privilege of being seen as normal so that I could "carry on". Life, then, became a series of professional thrusts in which I would find works for which I was deemed capable while, at the same time, avoiding any places in which I might be outed. Because, in education (or so I felt) I would be doomed. Or worse.
Well, even without the quarter century (oh, hell, let's just call it 40 years in the desert) of hiding, I still got to enjoy the privilege of being "doomed" to outer darkness with the disaster at Utah Valley University - being terminated because I didn't fit, because I had taught about LGBT issues in just one class in a Multiculturalism course, because my loyalty to the school of education was challenged as I was charged in having "liberal" friends across campus. And while the pain has receded and I can offer occasional listeners to this story a great set of laughs, the memory does not fade. Because while part of the real reason I was terminated (hinted to my face by the Chair herself) was the fact that I came from a Jewish family, the other reason I was terminated was the fact (stated to my face by the Dean himself) was that "donors had become very uneasy that there was someone in the School of Education who was teaching alternative lifestyles. [And to think they insisted on using that textbook.] Yes, the price of being gay, even gay friendly in pre-Obama America. Or just in Utah in general.
Second, the price I wound up paying for hiding was in spending an inordinate amount of time making sure that the hiding tactic was, in fact, working. And so, much of my intellectual calorie expenditure was NOT to learn more about my chosen profession. Rather it was to make sure the smoke and mirrors were ALWAYS in place. This, I believe, is the great waste. For if much talent was lost to this country by African-Americans who were denied equal opportunity under the law, then so it is with so much talent lost to this country by many (but luckily, not all) LGBT Americans who have done the "dirty work" ourselves - by cutting ourselves out of "the race to the top". THIS, indeed, is why the stories are so inextricably connected, no matter how much certain African Americans call us "carpetbaggers" lest our inclusion into this larger story denigrate or perhaps confuse their own tragic history. (I actually understand their fears, as Jewish people want to MAKE SURE that the term Holocaust is used only for their tragic history connected to Nazi Germany and none other.) Still a noose around anyone's neck is horrific, not matter who turned out to play the role of the executioner - the angry mob on others or the distraught and despondent young man on himself.
Third and final, I think that the price I wound up paying for hiding was that I never really trusted mentors. And so, I rarely had professional mentoring from men in all my years. (I would become one myself with almost every opportunity.) Why was this so? Because I couldn't trust men. Which is VERY connected to being gay. (a story which is probably for another post, so as to explain all this to straight readers). Which meant professional advancement was almost impossible. And so, I wound up "side-stepping" every time it became time to find new work. There was never any seniors "up the ladder" who could go to bat for me. Because no one really ever knew me well. Because I didn't let them. Because I had to keep my "dirty little secret" out of sight, out of mind. And so, here I am.
What to do about all this? Recently, I have put an end to the greatest source of this shaming by simply walking away from the Mormon church. When they get their acts together, I've let them know they are welcome to give me a call. But that I will no longer tolerate Latter Day Racism which they are very very good at practicing. And, if Robbie the soccer player can come out and risk his entire career, so can I. I've been "out" to some degree to selected friends, and recently to selected communities out here on-line. But, what about at work? in my community? in simply my daily goings-on? No, the fear still hangs. Until this coming week. When Ben and I will simply complete an interview on Mormon Stories that should, if all goes well, add to the growing number of voices in this critical year called 2013 - when, if I were a betting man, I truly believe we might approach the Gladwellian "tipping point". And the dam will break. And, just as most people standing in 1975 could hardly believe how much they had put up with back in 1957, I think will find the same story about us. . .
Thanks to those who have gotten to here, in wanting to know more about what I think, what I feel, what I do and especially in what trajectory I am setting - as I become wonderfully engaged in the cause of learning how to write my own story - without ANYONE else's script. Some learned this at 16. As I said, I simply spent an additional 40 years in the desert, before I was ready to pick up my own pen. And WRITE. ///
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
American and Delta
What happens when we get the opportunity to see a perfect invitation into our future - and we know that it's exactly right - but we have no idea how we will get there? In other words, what am I supposed to make of these once-in-a-while openings in which I gain a sneak peak into what might be coming - but I cannot fathom how it will come to pass?
So is my world this month as I prepare for Spring - no, springing - into the next chapter of my life. It is such a remarkable privilege to be given the blessings of family and friends. I just booked a free trip to Finland for next month, so that I can be good to my word that I would visit my friend Ville Parkka (missionary in New York city 2008-2010) when he had his first born child. At least, that is what I told him at his wedding exactly two years ago. And sure enough, just when I thought it was a bother to go to New York for meetings at work, I find that I have exactly 6 days free in the middle of these scheduled meetings so that I can dash across the pond and fulfill my promise to him. And so, for the love of mileage that credit cards are often wanting to throw at you for just signing up, I wind up being able to take this trip to Helsinki for just that. Ah, the things that make me happy!
But, wait, it gets better. Because I also made a promise to Ville's brother-in-law, Sami, now a strapping 18 year old who, after he and three of his friends visited New York City just 10 weeks after I met them at Ville's wedding, I see that I have just enough mileage to visit Finland one more time when Sami gets married. After all, a promise is a promise. So much for American Airlines mileage.
So, what about Delta mileage? Well, that gets even better. Because airlines promise you the world, I take their word very seriously. Because I think that's what we get, really. I mean some religions promise one hell of an after life. And I suspect that if we focus on their word, and the word is good, then that is pretty much what we line ourselves up to get - some type of consciousness when the body is done with carrying us in this world. And tickets to a spectator sport will get us just that as well - a good time. Perhaps something that stands out compared to the hum drum of the rest of our week (or month).
Anyway, Delta mileage is much more serious for me - not just because I started the year with about five times the mileage than on American, but because I had come to believe that I had something serious saved up - and I wasn't exactly sure how it was all going to be used - just that I was going to have the privilege of spending these hundreds of thousands of miles in the near future. A hunch? Yes, my intuition is usually quite good, thank you.
So, Ben and I enjoyed an amazing first trip to Maui with a really low amount of miles this past month. Only to realize that we were going back there next month. Because, well, I just HAVE to learn how to snorkel let alone scuba dive. It's just that simple. Nothing really more than I absolutely have to accomplish or enjoy - I mean, we just about scoured the island for all the things that was enjoyable to us this last time. So, what gives with this second trip, courtesy of Delta's Skymiles?
Well, there is this house. We saw it the last day of our trip. Perhaps we were fooling ourselves. Gee, I thought, wouldn't it be great to own a home (or a share of a home) in which I could return time and time again for the rest of my life - and then even pass it on to the next generation? Well, that feeling inside of me - to leave a legacy not just to students of all stripes and ages, but to the friends and to the children that I have and will have - that feeling remained quite strong the entire day. And then, upon seeing THIS HOUSE, it hit me really hard that Ben and I were seriously connected to the energy that was reaching out to us, standing on the veranda that mid January day.
Only problem? How the heck to find $1 million. Yeah, nothing serious. Just a slight foray into reality. But, if the two airlines that have carried me across the decades have one thing to tell me its that I AM all about American change - the dream that is so embedded in what it is to be a citizen (or even an undocumented resident) of this land. You see, America is not just about jobs. Or freedom. It is really the place - whether from a distance or from the bowels of its great cities and land - cry out to us "keep dreaming!". And so I do.
So, coming up to Valentines Day 2013, it's not that I have A dream. It's that I have THIS dream. That one day, because of the unfolding of my life, I get not only to have THIS dream, but also to believe that I might very well step into this dream and walk into the next chapter of my life. Except that I get to figure out more of the pieces of the puzzle - not just in acquiring this house for all who are to benefit from it, but also in allowing THIS house (Martin Lawrence Kokol) to become all that he is meant to know, to feel and to do. So that "it shall come to pass".
I think the riddle is in staying true to ones dreams. I sense the test is in staying awake to one's visions. I find that the mystery is in staying firm in one's convictions. All these must come together so that the Universe can act for and and behalf of one's truth and one's beauty. And all those lies that we are just "dust in the wind" - well, I guess I'm truly becoming a Westerner where the possibility of something just a little bigger emerges, where the belief that we are connected to this Cosmos with power that shatters any illusion that we are just a dot for a brief moment.
In the end, it's been a long journey to come to think and feel and believe, rather than accomplish and accumulate and accept. To dare to see myself as the author of my life, rather than victim of others'. Never thought there was more to my story than just "gay jew becomes straight mormon, winds up a queer saint". Well, there is a lot more this February. Stay tuned for further developments. And pictures.
So is my world this month as I prepare for Spring - no, springing - into the next chapter of my life. It is such a remarkable privilege to be given the blessings of family and friends. I just booked a free trip to Finland for next month, so that I can be good to my word that I would visit my friend Ville Parkka (missionary in New York city 2008-2010) when he had his first born child. At least, that is what I told him at his wedding exactly two years ago. And sure enough, just when I thought it was a bother to go to New York for meetings at work, I find that I have exactly 6 days free in the middle of these scheduled meetings so that I can dash across the pond and fulfill my promise to him. And so, for the love of mileage that credit cards are often wanting to throw at you for just signing up, I wind up being able to take this trip to Helsinki for just that. Ah, the things that make me happy!
But, wait, it gets better. Because I also made a promise to Ville's brother-in-law, Sami, now a strapping 18 year old who, after he and three of his friends visited New York City just 10 weeks after I met them at Ville's wedding, I see that I have just enough mileage to visit Finland one more time when Sami gets married. After all, a promise is a promise. So much for American Airlines mileage.
So, what about Delta mileage? Well, that gets even better. Because airlines promise you the world, I take their word very seriously. Because I think that's what we get, really. I mean some religions promise one hell of an after life. And I suspect that if we focus on their word, and the word is good, then that is pretty much what we line ourselves up to get - some type of consciousness when the body is done with carrying us in this world. And tickets to a spectator sport will get us just that as well - a good time. Perhaps something that stands out compared to the hum drum of the rest of our week (or month).
Anyway, Delta mileage is much more serious for me - not just because I started the year with about five times the mileage than on American, but because I had come to believe that I had something serious saved up - and I wasn't exactly sure how it was all going to be used - just that I was going to have the privilege of spending these hundreds of thousands of miles in the near future. A hunch? Yes, my intuition is usually quite good, thank you.
So, Ben and I enjoyed an amazing first trip to Maui with a really low amount of miles this past month. Only to realize that we were going back there next month. Because, well, I just HAVE to learn how to snorkel let alone scuba dive. It's just that simple. Nothing really more than I absolutely have to accomplish or enjoy - I mean, we just about scoured the island for all the things that was enjoyable to us this last time. So, what gives with this second trip, courtesy of Delta's Skymiles?
Well, there is this house. We saw it the last day of our trip. Perhaps we were fooling ourselves. Gee, I thought, wouldn't it be great to own a home (or a share of a home) in which I could return time and time again for the rest of my life - and then even pass it on to the next generation? Well, that feeling inside of me - to leave a legacy not just to students of all stripes and ages, but to the friends and to the children that I have and will have - that feeling remained quite strong the entire day. And then, upon seeing THIS HOUSE, it hit me really hard that Ben and I were seriously connected to the energy that was reaching out to us, standing on the veranda that mid January day.
Only problem? How the heck to find $1 million. Yeah, nothing serious. Just a slight foray into reality. But, if the two airlines that have carried me across the decades have one thing to tell me its that I AM all about American change - the dream that is so embedded in what it is to be a citizen (or even an undocumented resident) of this land. You see, America is not just about jobs. Or freedom. It is really the place - whether from a distance or from the bowels of its great cities and land - cry out to us "keep dreaming!". And so I do.
So, coming up to Valentines Day 2013, it's not that I have A dream. It's that I have THIS dream. That one day, because of the unfolding of my life, I get not only to have THIS dream, but also to believe that I might very well step into this dream and walk into the next chapter of my life. Except that I get to figure out more of the pieces of the puzzle - not just in acquiring this house for all who are to benefit from it, but also in allowing THIS house (Martin Lawrence Kokol) to become all that he is meant to know, to feel and to do. So that "it shall come to pass".
I think the riddle is in staying true to ones dreams. I sense the test is in staying awake to one's visions. I find that the mystery is in staying firm in one's convictions. All these must come together so that the Universe can act for and and behalf of one's truth and one's beauty. And all those lies that we are just "dust in the wind" - well, I guess I'm truly becoming a Westerner where the possibility of something just a little bigger emerges, where the belief that we are connected to this Cosmos with power that shatters any illusion that we are just a dot for a brief moment.
In the end, it's been a long journey to come to think and feel and believe, rather than accomplish and accumulate and accept. To dare to see myself as the author of my life, rather than victim of others'. Never thought there was more to my story than just "gay jew becomes straight mormon, winds up a queer saint". Well, there is a lot more this February. Stay tuned for further developments. And pictures.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
How the yearly odometer rollover helps
Finally coming up on the conclusion of our first 12 days of Christmas. The tree will come down in a few hours. The season of Yule seems to be coming to an end as well. It is time to press forward into 2013, as I now feel the fact that 2011 is now two calendar years behind me, 2009 now four years back.
What was 2011? Going to Finland for a dear friend's wedding, deciding to teach on-line, meeting Ben, getting married so as to truly tie the knot, moving to Jackson in about three steps, and declaring this place to be my new home. Nothing major. Just the usual, "every seven years in Marty's life, he goes for it" kind of year.
What was 2009? Watching the stock market crash with my dad as he lay dying in the hospital, feeling the crushing burden of teaching and supervising graduate students teaching in NYC, burying my dad, being the only one in my family with a belief in the after life, coming to realize that in order to press forward into my own future, I had come to NYC to learn of my ancestors. Which I did.
What now of 2013? Ben and I leave for Hawaii in a couple of days. After several days of -20F mornings, after more than several days of being cold even through my great ski jacket and my great sweaters, I am ready! Ari is about to receive her mission call any day, a letter that will not only change her life, but I would think her mother's and mine as well. Because when she comes home, she will most certainly be a young woman.
In a few weeks, I will know whether my own contribution to an upstart company in the area of communications media will bear fruit and invite me to step up my efforts by spending considerable time in Salt Lake City these next six months. I would like that very much as I know both Ben and I could withstand commutes (4 1/2 hour drive) regularly to fill in the gaps. Besides, it is time to offer a presence (rather than just presents) to my younger two daughters.
In a few months, I will come to know what my longer term work life will be - whether here teaching at either the public school or at a private school; whether more work in Salt Lake City; or whether somewhere farther away that I don't yet recognize. By the end of summer, Ben and I will know (depending upon my own successes AND his own success with his new company) as to whether we might begin planning for 2014, after all of our dreams we have privately shared.
The blessings of my life continue to astound me. The challenges I have set up for myself in this life continue to amaze me. The pains and pleasures of life in this thing called a body continue to intrigue me. And what I do know is that I will write at much greater length when I return here from Maui.
In the meantime, I sense that it is coming time to believe that the American political system is about to enter a fundamental tectonic shift, that will shift the past 20 years of Gingrich style "take no prisoners until you win attitude" of our Legislative branch to a Nolan (MN) style "find compromise because that it what we are here to do attitude" of what our President has been modeling his whole life.
Here's to 2013 with all of our dreams, and yet another opportunity to build plans.
What was 2011? Going to Finland for a dear friend's wedding, deciding to teach on-line, meeting Ben, getting married so as to truly tie the knot, moving to Jackson in about three steps, and declaring this place to be my new home. Nothing major. Just the usual, "every seven years in Marty's life, he goes for it" kind of year.
What was 2009? Watching the stock market crash with my dad as he lay dying in the hospital, feeling the crushing burden of teaching and supervising graduate students teaching in NYC, burying my dad, being the only one in my family with a belief in the after life, coming to realize that in order to press forward into my own future, I had come to NYC to learn of my ancestors. Which I did.
What now of 2013? Ben and I leave for Hawaii in a couple of days. After several days of -20F mornings, after more than several days of being cold even through my great ski jacket and my great sweaters, I am ready! Ari is about to receive her mission call any day, a letter that will not only change her life, but I would think her mother's and mine as well. Because when she comes home, she will most certainly be a young woman.
In a few weeks, I will know whether my own contribution to an upstart company in the area of communications media will bear fruit and invite me to step up my efforts by spending considerable time in Salt Lake City these next six months. I would like that very much as I know both Ben and I could withstand commutes (4 1/2 hour drive) regularly to fill in the gaps. Besides, it is time to offer a presence (rather than just presents) to my younger two daughters.
In a few months, I will come to know what my longer term work life will be - whether here teaching at either the public school or at a private school; whether more work in Salt Lake City; or whether somewhere farther away that I don't yet recognize. By the end of summer, Ben and I will know (depending upon my own successes AND his own success with his new company) as to whether we might begin planning for 2014, after all of our dreams we have privately shared.
The blessings of my life continue to astound me. The challenges I have set up for myself in this life continue to amaze me. The pains and pleasures of life in this thing called a body continue to intrigue me. And what I do know is that I will write at much greater length when I return here from Maui.
In the meantime, I sense that it is coming time to believe that the American political system is about to enter a fundamental tectonic shift, that will shift the past 20 years of Gingrich style "take no prisoners until you win attitude" of our Legislative branch to a Nolan (MN) style "find compromise because that it what we are here to do attitude" of what our President has been modeling his whole life.
Here's to 2013 with all of our dreams, and yet another opportunity to build plans.
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